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We have seen and heard some strange things in our time on the subject of marriage. But this piece stopped us dead in our tracks. So much so, in fact, that we can only hope whoever made the decision to share it with the world did so for the mere shock value. Indeed, rarely have we seen such unbridled degeneracy on display, masquerading as intellectual discourse — the kind that proves, yet again, that one can be educated beyond one's intelligence yet still fundamentally lacking in WISDOM. The two are not equivalent, which should make us very careful from whom we seek advice and "enlightenment"... and in whose hands we place a microphone.
To be sure, this is not the first viewpoint — nor do we imagine it will be the last — to suggest that marriage belongs on the junk heap of human folly as an equal-opportunity oppressor, trapping men and women in a life of drudgery, emotional anesthesia, and a tug-of-war struggle to balance widely disparate needs. In fact, some precursors have even suggested that marriage is an insidious social construct, harnessed by capitalism to get us to have kids and work harder to support them. Seriously. But in 1969, when Governor Ronald Reagan of California signed "no fault” divorce into law — a decision he later admitted was one of the biggest mistakes of his political life — did anyone truly foresee the dire social consequences that would become manifest in the decades that followed, when virtually every state in the Union followed California's lead and enacted a no-fault divorce law of its own?
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Since 1974, about one million children per year have seen their
parents divorce, and there is irrefutable evidence to support the fact
that children who are exposed to divorce are two to three times more
likely than their peers in intact marriages to suffer from serious
social or psychological pathologies. Indeed, can anyone with any
credible social science proficiency continue to deny the direct causal
relationship between the decline of marriage and the widespread
underachievement and indiscipline we are witnessing in today's schools?
Certainly, we just need to ask the teachers across this country in most
every district demographic, who are having to deal with the children
coming into their classrooms from today’s chaotic homes, many of them
too troubled to learn. And, let’s not kid ourselves. This state of
affairs is becoming exponentially worse as we contemplate the growing
numbers of children that are being brought up in patchwork families by
single mothers and, yes, single fathers who have long divorced sex from
marriage, and marriage from bearing children. Whether consciously or
inadvertently, children are being bred with multiple partners without
regard, it seems, for the social consequences. But the statistics bear
witness to the fact that children from these types of scenarios exhibit
greater levels of anti-social behaviors and mental health problems and
suffer greater incidence of physical child abuse, sexual molestation,
eating disorders and thoughts of suicide. What’s more, the statistics
further substantiate that these children are also more likely to lead
dysfunctional lives themselves in a toxic cycle that no amount of
investment or initiatives directed at schools can seemingly reverse.
The social corollaries aside, however, what we find shocking about this
video, perhaps, is what is being described here as love by this
“international lawyer and transformational coach,” Courtney Kazembe.
Why? Because any rudimentary understanding of the subject appreciates
that, at its very essence, is a willingness to lay down one's life and
self interest — even one's own agenda — for the well being of another.
Anyone with a modicum of true spiritual enlightenment understands this
to be our highest calling and state of being. That is how real potential
is fully realized. That is how heroes manifest. That is how true
greatness ought to be measured. And, until we grasp this simple concept,
we will never, as a people, achieve the overwhelming joy — or
experience the kind of lasting fulfillment and happiness we crave — that
comes from serving someone other, or a cause greater, than ourselves.
The Good Book tells us, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay
down his life for his friends." In its truest manifestation, when
authentic love is furthered by integrity, mutual respect, and genuine
commitment, there is no reason why marriage should not yield a more
satisfying life than is sometimes possible as a single adult. Moreover, we
have great difficulty understanding how reasonable, rational, decent
people tend to grasp this concept and demonstrate clear capacity to show
real love once they have children and make conscious choices regarding
the sacrifices that enable them to become exceptional parents — and
grandparents — yet seemingly baulk at the prospect of making the same
conscious decisions in marriage to sacrificially give of themselves to someone for whom they have proclaimed eternal love. Somehow, today’s professed social
norm of seeking and finding a “soul mate” has ostensibly shifted the
expectation and definition of "love" into ethereal feelings and nebulous
notions that are all about “you,” your own gratification and needs,
what drives you, your own accomplishments and desires. However, because
unbridled selfishness and self-interest are becoming the predominant driving
forces in most relationships today does not mean that we should lose
sight of the truth or propagate the kind of depravity that sullies the
marriage ideal. To be sure, the best solution is never to throw the baby
out with the bath water. |
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This
is not to say that anyone should remain in an abusive marriage or
relationship in which there is repeated, unrepentant wrongdoing or
behavior that would call into any reasonable question one’s physical
safety or long-term mental and emotional well being. That would be
folly. Neither is it biblical. This is not to say either that marriage
is for everyone because, truth be told, it isn't. And it is time to
dispel the notion that singleness is a disease for which marriage is the
only cure. Not all single adults are ready, want to, or should get
married! Not all single adults are lonely and emotionally impoverished.
Not all single adults struggle with unrestrained sexual desires, which
rightfully belong within the context of marriage, or have biological
clocks that are out of control. Not all single adults have it tougher in
life, financially or otherwise, or feel the need to "complete"
themselves by attachment to another. Indeed, there is no automatic
correlation between marital status and happiness, and the fact is that
there are many married adults who are, by far, more miserable than are
many single adults.
Real happiness does not
come from career, money, people, success, material possessions, or any
status, including marital status. Real happiness and true joy come largely through
validated feelings of worth, connectedness, and purpose-filled living,
and the truth is that singleness serves many worthwhile functions in
life. When looked at in proper context, singleness is actually a gift.
How so? Well, for one, single adults have the freedom to pursue
personal dreams and callings — whether career choices, or service to
others — without the encumbrances of and the time constraints imposed by
“family.”
As a society, we have to stop pressuring singles
to find love and get married. Without a doubt, this oft not-so-subtle
pressure is part of the reason that singles make the wrong choices in
love. Surely, even on the newsstands, most women’s interest magazines
thrive on this pressure. Every cover seemingly purports the Holy Grail
on how to trap a man into marriage — or at least a sexual relationship —
generally through some latest and best shallow diet, exercise, and
fashion makeover. Certainly, not enough is said that marriage is not
necessarily for everyone, or that marriage will not solve what’s
intrinsically wrong in a dating relationship.
This is not to say either
that there is anything wrong with wanting to find love and be married.
This is a good, natural, God-given, God-ordained desire that should not
bring embarrassment or guilt. Indeed, biblical truth substantiates that
marriage is not an “invention” of man, and we believe there is a “right”
person at the “right” time for those wanting to be married. But that
said, we need to dispel the myths and sometimes-false expectations about
marriage, and to encourage single adults to use their singleness to
prepare themselves properly for that person — and season — in life.
Without a doubt, it is important to present a realistic picture of
the total and radical commitment that is required for a marriage to go
the distance. Marriage is not for wimps…or punks! And we ought to be
urging
singles to count the real cost of that commitment that will be required
before taking that
critical step towards marriage. |
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Instead of contemplating
and working through these issues prior to marriage today, however, it is
now the norm for couples to jump headlong into a sexual relationship
and, before long, to move in together, which only complicates matters
further. Typically, they slide sideways into marriage with a lot of
their issues unresolved. And then they delude themselves into thinking
that marriage will ultimately fix what ails the cohabiting relationship.
In fact, couples seemingly spend more time caught up in the
superficialities of their wedding than planning the life they want to
have together in marriage. There are undoubtedly several reasons for
this socialization, not the least of which is the unrealistic bill of
goods being sold to us by major marketers on Madison Avenue...and, now,
reality TV. And, inevitably, while a wedding is an important rite of
passage — an event that signifies a change in identity — most couples
seemingly realize only after the wedding that marriage constitutes more
than the dress, the cake, the flowers, and the ceremony. For far too
many, the honeymoon is not long over before they realize that they have
not prepared themselves properly for their new reality, for better or
worse.
If truth, love, commitment, and
appropriate conflict resolution skills are the foundational elements of a
strong marriage, it seems elementary then that, prior to marriage,
these are the issues that couples ought to be working on. No matter how
much time and energy are invested, no matter how much chemistry exists
between two people, a marriage is destined for collapse when the storms
of life come if the foundation is faulty, and these elements are missing
or compromised. The operative word in this last statement is, of course,
“when,” because every marriage will encounter “storms.” None is exempt.
And until those storms come, most marriages look good on the outside
and the neighbors are suitably impressed. However, it is when the storms come that it quickly becomes evident
which marriages are built on the bedrock of these foundational elements,
and which are built on “sand.”
When
all is said and done, therefore, perhaps we're not asking the right
questions prior to marriage. Perhaps, too, we do not have realistic
expectations. But, instead of focusing in on and lamenting the struggles
that couples have, which lead to this kind of disenchantment being
propagated by gurus of questionable repute like Kazembe, maybe it would
serve the greater good — and be more socially expedient — to be
solution-oriented. The more important issue ought to revolve around how
to deal with those struggles in a situation where two people have
"fallen in love" and resolved, for better or worse, towards a cause
greater than themselves individually.
Smart defense attorneys win
cases by finding the false premises that ultimately lead to false
conclusions, and anyone who listens to this "marriage expert" — who is,
likely, nothing more than a self-serving attorney craving publicity for
his divorce practice — would be wise to identify them. Moreover, we
would argue that a divorce attorney, who largely bears witnesses to
marriage when it comes to its most ugly conclusion may not be the best
person from whom to accept marriage advice.
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RELATED ARTICLE: The Marriage Myth: Why do so many couples divorce? Maybe they just don't know how to be married. Washington Post magazine, By Ellen McCarthy, June 27, 2010
Courses such as the one taken by the Nolls mark a sea change in the way some marriage experts view an institution that remains the fundamental unit of our society but is so shaky that it crumbles about half the time. The marriage education movement has already spawned a cottage industry of trademarked seminars and self-help manuals. It has popped up, in varying forms, at community centers and churches across the nation. And it has successfully persuaded leaders of the federal government and the U.S. military to spend hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars a year attempting to disseminate its teachings to the masses. At its core, it's a movement that would ask of every divorcee: What if the truth was that you didn't marry the wrong person? What if you just didn't know how to be married?. . .
RELATED ARTICLE: The Evolution of Divorce National Affairs, By W. Bradford Wilcox
Prior to the late 1960s, Americans were more likely to look at marriage
and family through the prisms of duty, obligation, and sacrifice. A
successful, happy home was one in which intimacy was an important good,
but by no means the only one in view. A decent job, a well-maintained
home, mutual spousal aid, child-rearing, and shared religious faith were
seen almost universally as the goods that marriage and family life were
intended to advance. But the psychological revolution's focus on
individual fulfillment and personal growth changed all that.
Increasingly, marriage was seen as a vehicle for a self-oriented ethic
of romance, intimacy, and fulfillment. In this new psychological
approach to married life, one's primary obligation was not to one's
family but to one's self. . .
RELATED ARTICLE: What's wrong with sex before marriage? Why Choose Chastity? Catholic News Agency, By Davd MacDonald
If
I go into a grocery store and want to choose a good apple I can pick it
up and I can look at it. I would be pretty upset if the person in front
of me starting taking bites out of apples and putting them back in
order to see if they taste good. Having sex before marriage is taking a
bite out of the apple before committing to it (buying it). Often it
means leaving it for the next person. When I have sex with someone
before marriage, it is quite likely I am having sex with someone else's
future wife. .
RELATED ARTICLE: Beware the marriage trap: New book says matrimony is equal-opportunity oppressor MSNBC.com, By Meghan O'Rourke, Slate.com, September 04, 2003
What’s
curious, though, is that even though marriage doesn’t seem to make
Americans very happy, they keep getting married (and remarried). Kipnis’
essential question is: Why? Why, in what seems like an age of great
social freedom, would anyone willingly consent to a life of constricting
monogamy? Why has marriage (which she defines broadly as any long-term
monogamous relationship) remained a polestar even as ingrained ideas
about race, gender, and sexuality have been overturned?. . .
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